Top pro football teams as a Thanksgiving Dinner: A Completely Serious, Highly Scientific Breakdown

Because this holiday is peak American greatness, it only feels right to celebrate by comparing pro football teams to Thanksgiving foods. Why? Because it’s fun, it’s dumb, and every team gives off big entrée-or-side-dish energy whether they want to or not.

Let’s dig in.

*Please note all percentages to win the championship are subject to change

Philadelphia — Turkey

To win championship: 12%
Choosing this year’s turkey was surprisingly tough. I personally love turkey—yes, even when it’s a little dry—but most families don’t actually consider it the best part of the meal. That’s pretty much Philly in a nutshell. They’re always there, always relevant, always winning (or are they?) more than they lose. They’re the centerpiece whether anyone wants to admit it or not. But can they be the absolute best dish on the table? Maybe. Toss them in a deep fryer, add some spice, crank up the offense, and watch them turn into something genuinely elite. Until then, they’re dependable, traditional, and consistently in the conversation without always blowing anyone away.

Los Angeles — Stuffing

17%
Let’s have a debate: turkey or stuffing? Which one carries the meal? That's what's going on right now with LA and Philly battling for seeding at the top. Stuffing has more personality than turkey—more flavor, more texture, more fun—and LA has that same swagger. They’re solid, hearty, reliable, and occasionally surprising in a way that makes you go back for thirds when you swore you were full. Their defense has been stout, the offense has sparks, and if they make noise deep into the playoffs, nobody should bat an eye. Good stuffing sneaks up on you. So does LA.

Denver — Mashed Potatoes

6%
Denver, like mashed potatoes, will absolutely punch you in the mouth and then leave you unconscious on a couch by 4 p.m. That defense is terrifying, even with injuries, and they physically dominate teams when they’re playing well. The problem? The offense is… fine. Just fine. It’s plain potatoes waiting for something—chives, garlic, butter, gravy, anything—to elevate it. But here’s the thing: when mashed potatoes hit right, they’re the MVP of the entire table. And if Denver finds just the right seasoning on offense, they instantly become contenders nobody wants to mess with.

Buffalo — Gravy

7%
Buffalo is gravy, and that’s not an insult. Gravy is iconic. Gravy is essential. Gravy ties the entire meal together. But let’s be real: some years the gravy slaps, and other years you stare at the bowl wondering why it tastes like warm dishwater. BUF hangs around every year, fueled by elite quarterback play and just enough talent elsewhere to scare anyone. But do they have real substance? Is the recipe right? Hard to tell. Still, in a down conference, gravy doesn’t have to be extraordinary—it just has to be good enough. And if they heat up at the right time, they can absolutely drown out the rest of the bracket and make a surprise run.

Pittsburgh — Cranberry Sauce

1%
Nobody—and I mean nobody—knows why cranberry sauce is on the table every Thanksgiving. It just materializes. No one admits to making it. No one admits to wanting it. Yet there it is, sitting confidently next to the turkey like it earned the spot. That’s Pittsburgh. They appear in playoff hunts every year despite mediocre numbers, confusing performances, and an offense that often resembles a spoonful of mystery-red-jelly. Occasionally, you’ll take a bite and think, “Huh, this isn’t bad.” But we all know it’s not the star of the show.

New England — Green Bean Casserole

6%
Green bean casserole is controversial. Some people swear by it. Others claim it shouldn’t even be legal. Yet every year there’s at least one table where it becomes the unexpected hero of the meal. That’s this New England team. They’ve got a young, exciting QB, a great coach, and a defense capable of shutting teams down. They’re not quite cooked yet—probably a year or two away—but people are starting to give them more attention. It’s not the most glamorous dish or team, but the hype is building just enough to make you scoop a little onto your plate to see what all the fuss is about.

Seattle — Sweet Potato Casserole

8%
This dish is a rollercoaster. Marshmallows! Brown sugar! Warm spices! And then… sweet potatoes, which are somehow both amazing and controversial at the same time. That’s a fair comparison for SEA. Their QB continues to divide the room, but the supporting cast is strong enough to make the whole thing work. When sweet potato casserole is made right, it’s a showstopper. When Seattle plays well, they look like a real playoff threat. The ingredients are there—they just need the perfect bake.

Baltimore — Mac and Cheese

8%
Mac and cheese always sits there looking innocent, almost quiet, and then the second you give it a try you’re like, “Oh wow, this is actually incredible.” That’s Baltimore right now. After being out of the playoff picture all year long, they now find themselves tied for the division lead, and to be honest, everyone knows they’ll be in the mix when it matters. They’re rounding into form, getting healthier, and creeping up on people like a dish you weren’t sure you wanted that ends up being the one you won’t stop eating. Don’t be shocked if they’re the team making the rest of the league look silly come February.

Detroit — Drinks

8%
Detroit is the drinks: fun, lively, sometimes chaotic, and capable of turning the entire night into something memorable. They’re consistent now (a shocking development after years of heartache), but they’re also the type of team where one random, ridiculous moment can derail everything. They’re right on the outskirts of the playoff picture (at the time of this writing), but nobody doubts they’ll end up in the dance. If everything flows perfectly, this team is the one that ends the night celebrating longer and louder than anyone else.

Indianapolis — Pumpkin Bread

7%
Pumpkin bread is one of those dishes people forget about until they try it and immediately ask why they don’t eat it year-round. That’s Indy. All they’ve done this season is stack surprising wins. The QB situation is better than outsiders think, and Jonathan Taylor is capable of dragging the entire team—and the bread—into elite territory with one or two incredible performances. It’s underrated, it’s consistent, and it’s starting to earn real respect. A tough loss to KC will keep the rest of the league not truly believing they can get it done when the main course is served.

Kansas City — Apple Pie

9%
Apple pie is a national treasure. It’s the dessert of record. The problem? It’s also… expected. A little predictable. Maybe even slightly overrated at times. Here we have KC. They’ve been a playoff staple forever, but now things feel different. The offense doesn’t have the same spark, the shine has worn off a bit, and apple pie just doesn’t have the same magic when you’ve already eaten it 15 Thanksgivings in a row. But if it’s there? If it’s made well? It can absolutely steal the show again. After a big win last weekend, the rest of the table surely hears them coming.

Chicago — Honey-Glazed Carrots

2%
Honey-glazed carrots aren’t the star of the show, but you appreciate having them around. They’re sweet, they’re pleasant, and occasionally you go, “Whoa, those are actually really good.” That’s Chicago under their new coaching staff. They’re outperforming expectations, they look revitalized, and while they’re not going to dominate the headlines, they’re legitimately fun to have in the mix. Nobody’s building their plate around carrots, but you’re happy they’re there.

Jacksonville — Cornbread

2%
Cornbread’s confusing. Sometimes it’s moist and delicious; sometimes it’s dry enough to start a dust cloud. That’s JAX perfectly. They’re not the main attraction, but somebody needs to win the division whether anyone likes it or not. This team can punch you in the mouth when the defense and run game are working, but trusting them feels like rolling the dice every single week. You’ll take a piece because it’s on the table—but you’re not expecting it to blow your mind.

Green Bay — Roasted Brussels Sprouts

6%
Roasted Brussels sprouts can be absolutely elite when done right (shoutout to bacon and parmesan), or they can be bland, mushy, and deeply disappointing. That’s GB. Some weeks they’re magical; other weeks you’re wondering how something can be so undercooked and overcooked at the same time. Jordan Love flashes big-time talent, the defense flashes elite ability, but consistency is nonexistent. The playoffs hinge entirely on whether these sprouts show up crispy or soggy.

San Francisco — Ham

3%
Ham isn’t always guaranteed at Thanksgiving, but when it’s on the table, it becomes a real contender for best dish. That best dish can surely be SF. They’ve been hammered by injuries—as usual—but now that they’re getting healthy, they’re looking dangerous again. Sitting at 7–4 with arguably the best offensive weapon in football, they’re circling the playoff picture like a dish that refuses to be ignored. If they secure a spot at the table, Turkey better watch out.

Los Angeles — Spinach Dip Appetizer

2%
Nobody wants to be compared to an appetizer, especially Jim Harbaugh, but here we are. Spinach dip can be great, but it’s not the main event and neither is LA. With a star QB but a shaky offensive line, it feels risky to go all-in on them. They’ve built a solid record, but there are obvious issues holding them back, and until those are fixed, they’ll remain the dish everyone nibbles on without committing to.

Tampa Bay — Deviled Eggs

3%
Tell me Baker Mayfield isn’t the human version of a deviled egg. He’s bold, he’s spicy, he’s unexpectedly good, and he has just enough moxie to make half the table go, “Okay, yeah, I’ll take another one.” TB started hot but cooled off fast, and the season has spiraled in ways not a lot expected. Still, if they pull it back together, they’re dangerous. Deviled eggs aren’t for everyone, but when they’re made right, they’re undeniably good.

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